I should have known this would happen. For over a year now, I've written blog posts in my head thinking that someday, maybe, Lord willing, I would actually write them out and hit 'publish'. They were good, too. Or maybe they weren't. But they made sense in my head and were thoughts and memories I wanted to share and remember. And now, once I finally get the nerve up to start typing, the words don't come. I question what to write, how to write, whether this or that topic is too delicate to share, whether I will hurt others by my thoughts or opinions, and of course, what is my true motivation behind wanting to write.

It's like this with so many things. I question the whys and hows rather than just trusting that if the Lord wants it to happen, it will come to pass, provided I remain in Him and allow Him to take the lead and use me for His glory.

And it's like that with this doula thing. For the first time in a very long time, I knew deep inside of me that the Lord was asking something of me. That it was HE who put this passion inside of me and that it would be HIS work. I put it off for a year while it rested in the back of my mind, though two or three times I did make an effort to look into training workshops during that time. One was cancelled, one we decided was too far away and we couldn't figure out how to manage with hotel rooms and a nursing little one to tend. Then it worked out. And I happened to notice a posting for doula certification training that would be held right here in Western New York. The organization is certainly not as well known as the other national certification programs, however, the requirements were very similar and I felt a small sense that the Lord's hand was in getting me involved locally with this organization for reasons that perhaps I will post on in the future.

And so I attended the workshop. And then within a few hours of sending out the email letting friends and family know that I was working on this and that I would appreciate them keeping me in mind, I received two emails from expectant mothers who were requesting more information and were interested in my attending their births. Wow. This was really happening and it was exhilerating and frightening.

I have since attended those two births and both were absolutely amazing. God was so present and one little girl and one little boy entered the world naturally without drugs and I got to be there. I got to be there! What a privilege and blessing it was to witness these women surrender themselves to the gift of birth. What joy it was to be there as she pushed that slippery little body into the world and to see the pride and exhaustion and unguarded ecstasy and love on her face! I learned so much and, especially with the second, felt like I really had made a difference in helping this precious little boy come into the world naturally and gracefully. I was humbled, challenged, exhausted, and...so completely alive. God was there and is working in all of it. Not only allowing these women to birth so beautifully, but in my role there. I have said from the beginning of this little journey of mine that if I am able to help only one little one enter the world more peacefully and without unnecessary intervention and callousness, I will feel blessed. And I do. So very blessed. But I think there is more and I pray I am ready for it.

I do question now. Who do I think I am, putting myself out there like this? I know a lot, but I'm certainly not an expert on birth. Why would anyone want ME to share this intimate, blessed moment with them? And then I remember, it's in His hands. It's His work. It's not about me but about Him and them. If He sees fit to use this little cracked vessel to do His work, then perhaps it will bring Him joy and even greater glory. I don't know and in most ways, it really doesn't matter why. A doula's role is to serve. I will choose to follow and serve and be profoundly grateful for each little way that I may be used to further His kingdom. There is much work to be done.

Someday when I can get my thoughts together more, I will post on why birth matters. Why He most certainly does care about the way His precious little ones enter the world. Why these decisions are so important and why the WAY in which we do things makes all the difference. Someday, I will share why birth is so profoundly spiritual and why it is His work coming alive in our very own bodies. Until then, I pray that He will continue to clean this little vessel and repair any cracks that are found so that it can be used more and more for His purposes and glory.